DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE,WILL YOU?

Photobucket

Nov Updates....

<3

Well... I juz din even get into the Subaru Challenge challenge... So tats it...

Went out for supper at Railway mall with some fren today... Saw someone tat really look like her... i would say at least 96% resemble... I've been together with her for more than 3 yrs... I knoow totally how she look like even if i close my eyes... But this woman tat i saw, Really really really look alot like her... Well i guess it really doesn't matter at all...

As much as i know, she's with that bastard... So it doesn't really matter even if i see her in person... Cause the person i've known for yrs has already died... This person living in her right now is someone whom i dun even know... Maybe a bitch, maybe a slut... Cause of wat she do, I couldn't forgive her at all... And wat she do and wat she end up with is totally none of my business at all already!!!

fake a smile@2:47 AM

走出束缚，寻找寂静的空旷很容易。只是太多人已不自觉地习惯被束缚。

0 Comments:

Updates

<3

Wow!! So long since i last posted!...
Been real busy with sch and socialing and family lately....

School:
Everyday schling... Sch has been more fun since after the vacation. Got very close with classmate and more activities did together. used to think tat schling was a terrible thing last sem. Everything was fuck up due to loneliness and closed up to myself. But everything changed since i started open up to everyone tat pass by mi. A simple greeting every morning with a smile really helps to bring ppl together. Got to know more frenz and finally having fun in sch with jokes, games, studies and even meals. I guess The old Jinman is really back in position finally....

Family:
Been busy with stuff surrounding family also. every sunday is occupied with a mahjong game and dinner with whole family. Guess i miss out all that for the past few yrs. Laughter, gossiping and also arguements. All these seems to occupied my life since then. Although there may be part of mi still feel lonely every now and then, but other than this "short period of time everyweek, everything seems to be changing for better....

Sem juz started and time passes thru very fast... In no time, i'll be saying goodbye to all these new frenz tat i met and got closed with.. Once again everything are to be back to the beginning and start afresh again... But with all these, i guess the new chapter will start in no time....

In short, I'm juz libing life to the fullest at the very moment now!!!

Well, Wish mi good luck frenz for the Subaru WRX challenge coming up this weekend! I really wish to drive off with that WRX next week!!! Gambateh!!!

fake a smile@7:15 PM

走出束缚，寻找寂静的空旷很容易。只是太多人已不自觉地习惯被束缚。

0 Comments:

Interesting!

<3

老鼠对猫咪说：“我爱你”
猫咪说：“不要爱我，请你走开”
老鼠哭着离开了，
但它没有看到当它转身离开的那一刻猫咪流下了一滴泪水，
老鼠爱上猫咪就注定没结局

香烟对火说：“请拥抱我”
火拥抱了香烟，香烟在火中微笑着化为灰烬,
火哭了，用自己的泪水把自己熄灭，
当香烟爱上火就注定被伤害

麻雀对白玫瑰说：“我爱你”
白玫瑰说：“等我变成红色时就能接受你的爱”
麻雀用自己的鲜血滴在白玫瑰身上白玫瑰变成红玫瑰了，
而麻雀看着鲜血的玫瑰微笑着死去了，
玫瑰看着已死去的麻雀哭了，
有些事不要等到失去后才懂得该去珍惜

天使和海豚相爱了，但他们只能远远看着对方，
任由思念在脑海里翻腾它们对对方所能说的只有“我希望你幸福”
它们相爱但不能在一起，它们给不了对方想要的那种爱.
不管是风风火火还是平平淡淡

鱼上勾了，那是因为鱼爱上了鱼夫，鱼愿意用生命来换鱼夫一笑

我愿化作路旁的一棵树等待千百年只希望能再看你一眼

我就是向日葵你就是我的太阳，我会永远向你的方向开放

你就是一本书，我愿意用我一辈子的时间来钻研你

我爱你直到你不再爱我的那一秒
如果爱上你是个错误我愿意错上加错
为了你…我什么都愿意，包括我的生命
我要与你执子之手，与之偕老

这些情话，这些承诺，我相信所有的相恋的恋人都对自己的恋人说过
承诺说出口很简单动动嘴就能给你编个美丽的童话，可真正做到人又有几个？
也许…因为时间！
也许…因为距离！
也许…因为诱惑
也许…因为寂寞

让自己的承诺飞得无影无踪，既然根本就做不到为何还要留下那么多虚伪的承诺，渐渐发现不是所有的真心对待都能得到真心的回报

没有伤痕的女人不会爱上烟，一只风筝一辈子只会为一跟线冒险．女人善变的是脸，男人善变的是心．在爱的世界里，没有谁对不起谁，只有谁不懂的珍惜谁．绑不住我的心就别说我花心．叶子的离开是因为风的追求，还是树的不挽留？一个人的时候并不孤单，想一个人的时候才孤单.

fake a smile@2:38 PM

走出束缚，寻找寂静的空旷很容易。只是太多人已不自觉地习惯被束缚。

0 Comments:

<3

Quite some time nv update blog le.... Been updating lesser and lesser.... Maybe cause i've change since then..... Well, life goes on even when things do go the way we wan it to be.... So, had been straighten out own tots....

THings are really getting better for mi now.... Everyday seems more and more easier to go thru and everythings seems more interesting in life.... Been watching a few dramas in the past week... Touching man.... Cried a few times... Dunno why its so easy to make mi tears nowadays.... Can u imagine?? For a drama of 12 episode, I cried every single episode!! Its jus so amazing...

My heart still aches when ever i rem those unhappy things... This time round, its not tat i couldn't let go... Its juz tat i'm still worried... Maybe i really dun hav to... Cause its after a path she choose... She nid to be taught a lesson.... But still can't help worrying... Well, I dun wish to continue worrying anymore... It's the last part... Once this is over, EVerything is over.... Tryng hard to achive it...

Cheers!!

fake a smile@8:20 PM

走出束缚，寻找寂静的空旷很容易。只是太多人已不自觉地习惯被束缚。

0 Comments:

Something to share....

<3

Something to share....

One day, wife ask her husband....

Wife : "If there's one day i sleep and nv ever wake up, leaving you alone in this world, will you be sad?"

The man think for awhile and answer...

Husband : "Dear, I'll only feel happy and not sad when ever i think of you. Be it are you by my side or not in this world anymore. I'll only feel happy.... "

The Wife broke into tears.....

I too broke into tears.... Not because of this short story... It's juz tat no one can help mi other than myself.... Crying out and being sad forever is easy, but its not easy being able to let go.... Tears... Pls juz stop flowing......

fake a smile@3:39 AM

走出束缚，寻找寂静的空旷很容易。只是太多人已不自觉地习惯被束缚。

0 Comments:

Its all LIE!!!!

<3

I really can't imagine living thru 11 mths and 17 days holding to wat turn out to be a LIE!!! Why? Why is it so unfair to mi?? Hav i really did anything wrong to deserve these? Wat i did?? WHy? I really dunno man...

EEmin... I'm really not gonna forgive u at all in my life!! I'm really really disappointed and angry with u... I really can't think of anyway to forgive u at all.... The hurts u did to mi was something i can forgive... But this LIE, There'll be no way in the world i'm gonna forgive u... Nv ever!!! U're a disappointment and a disgrace to mi!!! I'm not gonna think or care about u ANYMORE!!! It's already ended!!! FINISHED!!!!

fake a smile@2:45 AM

走出束缚，寻找寂静的空旷很容易。只是太多人已不自觉地习惯被束缚。

0 Comments:

My life...

<3

I hate everything... I had my life... If I could I wish I'll juz leave this world juz like tat... Why am I suffering here right now? I shld hav a wonderful and happy life.. Everything juz gone like tat without mi realizing wat wrong I did... Promised myself tat I'll get back on my feet... I really din know tat it's really so fucking hard and difficult to attain... Am I wrong to even make tat first move I made back then? Why can't she forgive mi? Why can't i even forgive myself? My world is in a big mess right now... I really dunno how to change it... The heartache juz wun stop even for a second... I miss my life... I wished everything could juz be back... Back to the time when I really used to be living wat I call LIFE....

fake a smile@4:52 PM

走出束缚，寻找寂静的空旷很容易。只是太多人已不自觉地习惯被束缚。

0 Comments:

I'm a fucker and a nuisance....

<3

Dunno where to start.... For the starting of the week, I've been so depressed... Dunno wats really going on...

Thursday was a really day of hell for mi.... Early in the morning, i had a accident... Knocking into a cab due to some inconsiderate driver... This accident really cost mi alot.... Agree with the cabby to pay him an amount but yet he called in the afternoon to ask for more... My own car was in bad shape too... in the end... Everything was still settled.. But when i reach home in the evening, was chatting with my sis and mum, and all about my elder sis.... Alot of things happened and alot of things to worry about.... The worst has yet to come... And at 9.38pm, i got the worst nightmare of my life... I received this msg from a person whom i nv expect and the content was, i shld say "destructive"...

Wats going on with this fucking world? Am i really tat irritating and so in significant to this world? Why is it tat everything is forcing mi to juz leave this world? A fucker, A nuisance... Wat hav i really done to deserve to be called that? And especially by someone whom i love so much... My heart's really dead...

fake a smile@4:42 AM

走出束缚，寻找寂静的空旷很容易。只是太多人已不自觉地习惯被束缚。

0 Comments:

Nv let you go.....

<3

The rain just never seems to bring
The joy I feel the same.
Everlasting pain of my loss remains.

My heart can’t seem to learn to part
The hold you left you mark.
All that I dreamed of now it seems so stark.

Though I told myself won’t hold my breath
a part of me was dying.
There is nothing left for me to do now.
But give in.

If you gave me one chance to tell you how I was feeling.
I would sing to you and tell you I won’t
Live my life without you.

If you gave me one chance to tell you how I was feeling.
I would hold your hand and look in your eyes.
And you know I’d never let you go.

The way you left me on the train.
I don’t know what to say.
I remember everything of that day

I can’t believe we’d never dance
I just need one more chance
To share the sunset our one last romance

Though I told myself won’t hold my breath
a part of me was dying.
There is nothing left for me to do now.
But give in.

If you gave me one chance to tell you how I was feeling.
I would sing to you and tell you I won’t
Live my life without you.

If you gave me one chance to tell you how I was feeling.
I would hold your hand and look in your eyes.
And you know I’d never let you go.

If you gave me one chance to tell you how I was feeling.
I would sing to you and tell you I won’t
Live my life without you.

If you gave me one chance to tell you how I was feeling.
I would hold your hand and look in your eyes.
And you know I’d never let you go.

fake a smile@7:01 AM

走出束缚，寻找寂静的空旷很容易。只是太多人已不自觉地习惯被束缚。

0 Comments:

rain, juz cover my tears....

<3

I was told of a news tat i really dunno if i'm happy or sad.... Sometimes i'll really wonder shld i really be so selfish.... I was told tat she had a very enjoyable weekend... For wat ever reason i dunno and i really dun wish to find out cause i'm afraid tat things will mess up again... I kept on asking myself this ques, "she found someone she love? Is this a good guy? Will he bully her? Will he treat her juz like a princess? Will he make her sad and cry?" You know, Its really awful to actually aask myself all these.... I'm really glad she is felling happy... I'm serious... I'm really contend to hear tat she find someone she love and she feel really happy about it.... But in fact, deep inside mi, this pain like stab my heart again and again non stop is really killing mi... I cried, I yell and i juz stand in the rain.... I really dunno if the sky is crying together with mi..... Its really hard to let go... I can only juz keep in deep in my heart... But this is really nv ending.... Eemin, do u know i'm always right her waiting? No i guess.... But other than saying congrates and wishing you happy forever, i really dunno wat else more to say.... Cause everything is already to this part tat nothing else is gonna bring us back together... Congrates.... Congrates in finding him... i really feel very very happy for u.... But, i can only cry and yell out in the rain for myself.... This self tat would nv ever be feeling like living anymore..... Congrates....

fake a smile@6:10 AM

走出束缚，寻找寂静的空旷很容易。只是太多人已不自觉地习惯被束缚。

0 Comments:

Missing her

<3

I really still missing her alot alot... Mind is being filled with her EVERYDAY!!!

fake a smile@7:57 PM

走出束缚，寻找寂静的空旷很容易。只是太多人已不自觉地习惯被束缚。

0 Comments:

Love? Like? Or juz a fantasy?

<3

Very confused... Dunno wats happening and dunno wats going on... Been thinking and trying to fiigure it out but to no avail.... Here it goes...

I actually got attracted to a person... I really dunno its really tat i like her? or was it juz tat she resemble tat someone... There's really alot alot of similarities in both of them... Sometimes i even get confused tat are they actually the same person... Of course the fact is they are really 2 different person... I tried and tried to figure out my own feeling but yet still i dunno wats the true feeling i hav for this person.... I'm really afraid... Afraid of dunno if i might really take her as a replacement or its really true feelings.... I'm afraid of getting hurt once again and also afraid of hurting someone else... But all these are still early... We still hardly know each other... I might get to know more about her sooner or later but not now at the moment when i dun even know wats my true feelings... And ya.. She's still in a relationship.... All theses are juz too early for a conclusion.... We'll juz walkk and step at a time....

Lastly, its still true tat i haven put her down at all... I still miss her lots and thinking of her as often as before.... Hopefully, this strange feeling i having right now may turn out well and even though it might juz be a replacement of her... But i may be able to let the past go and she might be happy to see mi doing tat...

fake a smile@6:27 PM

走出束缚，寻找寂静的空旷很容易。只是太多人已不自觉地习惯被束缚。

0 Comments:

Recent photos

<3

fake a smile@7:53 PM

走出束缚，寻找寂静的空旷很容易。只是太多人已不自觉地习惯被束缚。

0 Comments:

Memories???

<3

There's lots of things in life tat will pass by and come leaves a mark or trail.... Each time a trail being made and marks being left, memories are created... It'll only be created if these particular trail or mark is the most treasured or most un-wanted thing tats to happened in life... Thus memories are formed... Everytime memories formed, It'll always stay down there and nv ever leaves ur mind or heart... Causeing both misery and sweetness....

There's this memories tat was created quite some time ago by someone and myself... Its was one of the sweetest and happiest memories ever created in my 24yrs of life... It turn out so badly tat cause misery and sufferings to mi right now.... Past few days, i was looking back into these memories and to my horror, these memories started to fade off as times goes by... When i say fade off, it simply means this person is starting to become moree and more distant to mi... Making mi dun really know how to face this person anymore.... I tot it might juz be a good thing for mi... But surprisingly, the memories did not even abit fade off... Wat faded was the pictures of memories... But the memories itself still live down there and haunt mi every single night.... Hate or love, Angry or happy, Real life or dreams... Simply hard to differentiate wats left inside.... But these memories will juz keep on being stored even if its against my own will and wish....

fake a smile@12:43 AM

走出束缚，寻找寂静的空旷很容易。只是太多人已不自觉地习惯被束缚。

0 Comments:

Lonely...

<3

I'm feeling real lonely... Couple of things happened this whole week.... Be it an omen or juz a dream due to too much thinking.... I dun know... But it definately affect my mood for the past whole week and days....

Someone pls juz save mi....

fake a smile@1:15 AM

走出束缚，寻找寂静的空旷很容易。只是太多人已不自觉地习惯被束缚。

0 Comments:

I'm really sad.....

<3

狠不下心

狠不下心
作词：陈没　作曲：黄品源　编曲：Mar Chew

你说你以后决定自己活　转眼成空　无人港口无情风
我的眼神随波逐流　被你拖着走　不想就此罢手　想不透
以为会幸福　然而却孤独　寂寞公路　频频回顾来时路
你像浓雾　我就好像一棵相思树　没有谁为谁停住脚步
要抓抓不住

狠不下心　恨不了你　你早就不是我的你
冰上的火渐渐微弱　融化了我淹没我
狠不下心　恨不了你　我早就应该要清醒
一年四季四个冬季　一滴眼泪十个你
狠不下心　恨不了你　早就应该忘了你

fake a smile@2:13 AM

走出束缚，寻找寂静的空旷很容易。只是太多人已不自觉地习惯被束缚。

0 Comments:

My feelings......

<3

如果 • 爱 (如果爱主题曲) - 张学友

每个人都想明白
谁是自己生命不该错过的真爱
特别在午夜醒来更是会感慨
心动埋怨还有不能释怀
都是因为你触碰了爱
如果这就是爱
再转身就该勇敢留下来
就算受伤就算流泪
都是生命里温柔灌溉
哦爱在回忆里总是那么明白
困惑的心流过的泪
还有数不清黑夜等待
如果这就是爱
如果你当时明白
后来的生命里是快乐还是悲哀
特别在夜深人静时想起未来
是否能平静不会想现在
只是因为你拥有了爱
如果这就是爱
再转身就该勇敢留下来
就算受伤
就算流泪
都是生命里温柔灌溉
哦爱在回忆里总是那么明白
困惑的心
流过的泪
还有数不清黑夜等待
如果这就是爱
如果这就是爱

fake a smile@2:08 AM

走出束缚，寻找寂静的空旷很容易。只是太多人已不自觉地习惯被束缚。

0 Comments:

Good news... But sad.....

<3

Today work till very late... i left office aat ard 7pm... One of the latest timing... Today afternoon, received a msg from Jon... telling mi he got a very very bad news.. Meaning tat he actually fall from very high up there after being pin too much hope on the good news... I really felt sorry for him... And somehow i wonder why not only mi hav to go thru all these, even my frenz ard mi hav to go thru it too... So went to meet him right after work... These 2 weeks, I met him everyday to help him get pass all these suffering....

So after the usual hang out, we stop by at WF hse which is also her hse area... At this point of time, XW called him... And finally they got back together... At that very moment, I felt happy for him.... I really did... i smile from the bottom of my heart... But after a few mins, I hav a very strange feeling.... Somehow or rather, I feltt Unhappy.... I really dunno why... I shld be happy tat my fren got back happy....

Seriously, i really dunno... I felt lonely and sad... not tat i wan Jon to be in the same state as mi... I truthfully wan him to be happy... But i juz blame fate... I'm kinda envy tat he got the chance to once again hold on to the love of his life....I ask god.. Why can't i hav the same results as him? Did i do anything lesser? In fact not... I juz did more things compared to him... Much more things which is in fact too over.... I blame myself... Blaming why i decided to start afresh on 25th and yet i din managed to do it..... I'm really useless....

Lastly... I'm indeed truthfully and sincerely happy for Jon and Xw.... I really hope to see these 2 good fren of mine walking on the red carpet one day... With mi being bestman or not....I really felt happy juz now when he broke the news to mi... Even though the happiness inside mi last for only few mins... But still i'm glad and happy to see this outcome... Jia You!!

fake a smile@3:13 AM

走出束缚，寻找寂静的空旷很容易。只是太多人已不自觉地习惯被束缚。

0 Comments:

24th June 2009....

<3

Again... In a blink of the eyes and this date come again... 4 yrs ago, this day is a special day for mi... And i'm always grateful tat i live with this day coming into my life... But yet 4 yrs later, It became a real nightmare to mi....

I bought a bouquet of lilles juz like the day 4 yrs ago... And for the past few years, i did the same... For this yr, i juzz simply throw the whole bouquet away... Cause i really got no courage to bring it to her at all... I tried msging her but yet again, another disappoinment with no reply.... Sometimes i really dunno wats going on... I felt my life being destroyed with a reason i dun even know.....

How i actually passed this MARKED day in my life?

I stay out basically the whole night... I rem wat exactly happened on the day 4 yrs ago... I simply juz went thru it again... Walking from Boon Lay market to her hse... With a bouquet of lilles in my hand... Th only difference is this time round... I'm alone.... I even went to this particular Jap res where we used to like alot at taman jurong... I dunno why i went there... But it seems tat i got calmed after being there.... I simply juz nid to be alone for some time.... Being issolated myself... Giving myself breathing space and not letting anyone see this weakling part of mi anymore....

This day, 24th of June... Will always be MARKED in my heart from now and forever, It'll be the day....

fake a smile@12:38 AM

走出束缚，寻找寂静的空旷很容易。只是太多人已不自觉地习惯被束缚。

0 Comments:

Who am i?

<3

To think i even promised myself i'm going to put in real effort into my studies and do well in it... So as to not disappoint my family and also to prove to her i really changed.... But seems like the promised i made means nth at all... I still the same old mi... Spent a few hrs studying but nth seems to go into the mind at ALL.... Am i very useless? Start questioning myself on that... I guess she's right... I'm not the better person at all... Letting all things affect mi... JINMAN... Buck up will u? Dun let others look down on u... Show some results will u? Why are u so useless?

Juz let mi off... Stop pushing mi... Let mi sink... DOwn into the deepest of all... Leaving mi all alone.... Pls.....

fake a smile@1:14 AM

走出束缚，寻找寂静的空旷很容易。只是太多人已不自觉地习惯被束缚。

0 Comments:

8 months

<3

I juz realised tat its already been 8 months.... 8 months of life without a real smile from my heart... Starting to wonder wat does it really meant for mi to carry on with life... Losing the real purpose of life is so.....

I'm really really starting to get more and more depressed... Why am i suffering here? Is it tat i hav to continue like this till the day i'm gone? All i ask for is a look from u.... Dear....

fake a smile@2:58 AM

走出束缚，寻找寂静的空旷很容易。只是太多人已不自觉地习惯被束缚。

0 Comments:

One whole week entry!!! HAHA!!!!

<3

Wow... More than a week without a new post... Wahaha... Anyway, this is a dead blog... Haha... I think i even forget about this blog myself... Sometimes i wonder why this blog is still here... Its was initially set up to blog about mi and her... But it seems tat the reason is gone...

Was still busy with sch and work for the past week... Everyday tired but yet stll i can't hav a good sleep... Only for that one special day where i actually forced myself to sleep and sleep the whole day... I made a decisiona and try to fufill it... i think i'm slowly reaching my goal... But yet yesterday night i dreamt of her again... I dunno why... Its true tat i still miss her everyday(after all she is the woman i love most) but i keep telling myself to surpress the feelings.... Tat persiod of time i will juz go to her void deck and sit there smoke and think of evereything... Maybe its a place where i really can throw everything behind and juz relaxed myself... In a way la... But now i already move a step forward by not even going there at all... At least i did make a big move... I know i'm getting better... Cause i muz treat myself better when the others dun treat mi well enuff... If even i myself dun treat myself better... No one will....

I'm also trying to hav a new look... growing beard... Dunno if i look good.. But a new look is better than staying the same... Maybe it indicated tat i've changed?? Trying that new look out...

Got a GOOD and a Bad news... GOOD news: One of my cousin getting married in August and another in July.... BAD news: The cousin tat getting married in July is due to Shortgun... And the guy wasn't popular in the whole family... I shldn't say not popular... I shld say Dislike... I really dunno wat my cousin thinking... But after all she made this decision on her own.. Even if its bad, we still hav to respect her decision and give her our blessing... Juz like E.... She made her choice... Juz let go and respect it... I guess no one can forced another to go on aa decision where everybody wished them to go.. Lifes full of surprise after all.... Juz like how surprise i was when she initiated a break up... So, nth can be done after all...

Well.... Few things happened to mi in a funny way... One of them is MY MOTHER ACTUALLY PERSUDED MI IN GOING TO A MATCH MAKING SHE ARRANGED WITH HER COLLEGUE'S SISTER... WTH!!! She really scared mi... And somemore telling mi when i was having my dinner... I even hav to run away from the table after rejecting her and before i finished my dinner... Resulting in mi having a unfilled stomach thru the whole night... I really dunno wat she thinking at all... I know she's concerned, but pls dun do things tats too extreme....

Sometimes i keep thinking... It really breaks my mum's heart seeing mi getting thinner and thinner day by day after the relationship.... I know she dun wished to see mi in this state... She would rather seeing mi healthy and cheerful, and still having a serious relatonship with eemin... But sometimes things juz dun go the way we want...

I'm really worn out after the whole week... With SIX FULL DAYS of work and studies... But this kind of hard time will soon be gone and better life will come... I'm confident and willing to strive for it... Gambateh!!

fake a smile@8:13 PM

走出束缚，寻找寂静的空旷很容易。只是太多人已不自觉地习惯被束缚。

0 Comments:

New Hair cut....

<3

fake a smile@12:27 PM

走出束缚，寻找寂静的空旷很容易。只是太多人已不自觉地习惯被束缚。

0 Comments:

Letting go.....

<3

Been a week since i last post.... This week is not a very good week for mi... Cause i finally make myself do something which i had been running away from doing since last yr... I forced myself to start carrying on with my new chapter of life by giving her up even as a fren... I forced myself to not even feel a single thing if i were to meet her coincidently on the sstreet in future... its really a tough decision to make... Making this decision seems to incomplete mi and make mi think tat i'm giving up halfway on something i do again... But i know this time round its different....

This whole week, I tot thru alot while in the process of making the decision... I recalll everything in the past and run thru them again... There's happiness and sadness... What make mi make up the decision was still the incident and day when we broke up.... Maybe i can juz briefly tok thru it...

i still rem tat i keep blaming myself for our break up... Thinking tat maybe i really push you too tight tat makes u breathless... But i recall tat wat make mi start the quarrel tat day was due to the lie u told mi.... I really couldn't accept the truth tat u and ur best fren whom i nv hav doubt in gang up and tell mi such a lie... U know it tat i may be unhappy about wat happened tat night... but if u were to informed mi in the first place, although i may get upset, But not angry... Which in the end started the quarrel which seperated us up to this stage now... Sometimes, Am i really tat unreasonable?? Am i those jealous kinda person tat will make a very big fuse about wat u did?? Why could u lie to mi for his sake? Lied to someone whom love u so much and someone whom u love? Or maybe at that point of time u may hav stop loving mi already....

REm the online fren u had? The one tat asked u out and i din actually stop? I even let u go out with him alone and din kick a big fuse on it... Even though u still lied to mi telling mi u known him online for a few yrs already which in fact only one month(actually i know u lied to mi telling mi u known him for yrs. But i nv told u before tat i knew long ago tat u known him for only barely a month. i juz keep it to myself) And wat i got in return?? I got u telling mi straight in my face tat u do feel for him... Having good impression on him... Do u know how it feels inside mi at that time?? And when i was in camp and u told mi tat... I was left all alone to face it u know?? And when i told u thru the phone tat i wanted a break up, I really mean it... Cause i know u'll feel guilty about it and i rather hurt myself den make u feel guilty for the rest of ur life... I was even mentally prepared to let u go at tat time... but i juz couldn't bear to let go of my hands, So when u told mi u still love mi alot, I juz hold ur hand back tightly even more.... When u told mi u wun contact the person anymore, i felt so happy tat u will do anything to make mi happy...

And in the end, it still comes back again... This time round being betrayed by ur best fren whom can even tell mi tthru the phone tat "dun worry, she is with mi and one of my guy fren only... dun worry la... No other guys" Which turn out totally different... How could she make such a lie and still dun feel guilty at all?? She feels happy to see us seperated? MAybe.... And this is juz one thing that hurt mi.... For being lied by someone whom i love so much... Ur lie hurts mi deep thru my heart... When i found the msn chat log u had with him, tats the part that stab right into my heart tat day.... Learning the truth tat he keep on pushing u to tell mi tat u wan a break up.... And also the rest of the content which i dun wish to mention, do u know all these really break my whole world down? U really make mi can't put anymore full feelings into a relationship anymore... I'm really scared... Cause i can't afford to lose anymore... Can't afford to get this kind of hurt anymore... I really dun understand... U could give up and stop contacting the first guy.... Why u can't give the second one up for my sake again? Wat i can come up with is tat he's more important to u compared to mi.... I really dunno wats the real thing in ur heart...

All these make mi hav no choice and forced mi to really let go of my hands... This few days i kept telling myself tat i'm learning to let go... And i can do it... U know i know... I'm juz lying to myself... I'm trying to brainwash myself to believe tat and start to hate u.... We both know... I couldn't at all... But i juz choose to keep mum on it and let it buried down deep insde my heart.... Hoping u happy and wish u wun get cheated by him... But after all... U choosed it....

fake a smile@10:28 PM

走出束缚，寻找寂静的空旷很容易。只是太多人已不自觉地习惯被束缚。

0 Comments:

3 yrs plus and it vanished.....

<3

3 yrs plus... And it really worths nth at all.... I spent 3 yrs to mantain.... 3 yrs of our time to learn to love each other more... And when i reach a point where there wun be any return, it juz vanished... Why? Dun u really understand mi at all? Dun u hav 3 yrs to know wat kind of person i'm? Dun this 3 yrs prove to u tat how much i love you? I dun mind using more time... No matter how long it'll be, but yet there wasn't at all any chance to let mi prove to u once again... Why? I dun nid ur sympathy... Wat i nid is ur love... Why can u juz throw it away juz like tat? Am i really not worth u to love? Why give mi up for juz this small misunderstanding and set it to a point of no return? Isn't finding someone whom love u most important? U found mi... But u dump mi away juz like tat... I know i'm worth another chance... Cause the love i had for u is something worth ur wait and worth to spend whole life with... If all these ppl doesn't turn up, will we be in this stead?? No way... Cause i wun even let u think it this way... If only there will be one more chance for us to be together u know?

fake a smile@7:04 PM

走出束缚，寻找寂静的空旷很容易。只是太多人已不自觉地习惯被束缚。

0 Comments:

Eemin.... I still love u alot....

<3

I cried again... Why my tears keep flowing down uncontrollably? i tried... tried very hard to forget and move on... But i realise i'm moving on with life having her in my mind forever... Xiuling scold mi... Jon scold mi... Everyone scold mi... But i really juz can't do wat they hope i can do.... Am i very useless?? I always hope for a simple life... Juz wish to be with the person i love most and get married with kids of ours... Life of ours... But why is it so difficult to reach tat goal? I understand.... I know she dun love mi anymore... I juz wanna do everything to make her love mi once more.... In exchange for anything i wun mind... But why is it juz so hard to attain?? Who? Who can help mi?? give mi a hint or way to make it happen... Make my wish happen and end all my suffering now... EEMIN... I REALLY REALLY REALLY LOVE U ALOT STILL... NO ONE CAN MAKE MI LOVE HER SO MUCH ANYMORE OTHER THAN U.... JUZ GVE US ONE MORE CHANCE TO GET BACK IN LOVE AGAIN WILL U???

fake a smile@1:23 AM

走出束缚，寻找寂静的空旷很容易。只是太多人已不自觉地习惯被束缚。

0 Comments:

Grant my wish pls god......

<3

Its been a week since i came in to post.... I'm juz like zombie going thru day by day.... I really wished for things to happen... Not much... Juz a few... I juz hope she can come back to mi and hope things will go well in my life... Is it really too much to ask for?? I juz wanna spend the rest of my life with this person i love most in my life.... Nth more... Why can't god juz grant mi this wish... Even if its gonna hav a price to pay i wun mind... Not at all.... Pls... Grant mi this wish can???

fake a smile@1:16 AM

走出束缚，寻找寂静的空旷很容易。只是太多人已不自觉地习惯被束缚。

0 Comments:

Forcing myself......

<3

It's 2am plus on 27th of April... I'm surprisingly still awake... Can't really sleep too.... Today wen tover to granny hse and mahjong with aunt and cousins... After tat went to Seng Siong there for dinner... And after tat went all the wat to ALoha Loyang for Thomas birthday.... Before i went, ask my father to bring down my cig as i forgotten to take out and so unlucky tat my sis and mum saw it... So both my sis know about it but not my mum... So unlucky day for mi right? Reach there and only mi and xiong... The rest are all relatives of Thomas... So chat with xiong and also thomas for awhile la... Both of them went into the same topic seperatly one after another... So i got to ans both times... And it make mi rather down when i recall everything....

Yesterday night send alot alot of sms to her... Cause i finally gave up toking sense to her le... She's still so stubborn as before and i really dunno how to convience her in lstening to the right advices.... She really think she so smart and in actual fact, she's so naive... I could predict tat after all the sms sent her yesterday, she's gonna hate mi even more... But tats the way la... Facts and good advices are always hard to the ear... Sometimes, time really make ppl understand more... All these time actually make mi realise tat going against the fate wun be a wise choice... Letting go is hard but other than tat, nths gonna turn out well... I browser thru facebook these few days... Found out tat she already deleted a few photos of us... i guess its another action showing tat the desire she had in wanting mi out of her life... Its been 6 months.... The person i'm today is still the same person i'm before.... As in i still love her... I still care for her.... And i still wishing her to be by my side... Even though it may seems to be impossible anymore.... I guess tats the fate i have to go thru... Its destinated tat i have to be in this state and learn thru it.... Letting go of someone whom u love most in the life really feels like letting go of ur own soul.. nobody shld go thru this in fact.... So ppl out there... Pls Pls Pls treasure the loves one beside u right now.... Dun regret it only when it finally reach a stage where u can't change anything... Even though there may be idiots whos out there creating destruction.. I'm sure if u put all ur love in and treasure it sincerely, u'll hav ur happiness... Treausre and not take it for granted and ended up in a state where u become someone u urself hardly recognise....

I gotta go fight my mind now... Forcing myself to get onto the bed and rest for "programmes" waiting for mi the next day.... Gotta wake up at 8.... Tats all folks... TATA....

fake a smile@2:20 AM

走出束缚，寻找寂静的空旷很容易。只是太多人已不自觉地习惯被束缚。

0 Comments:

Dream... Goals....

<3

Its only Wed today and i'm feeling like i had been thru a whole week... Its really tiring doing so many things in one go... And especially doing it all alone.... Sometimes i juz wish there's someone by my side... I juz hope everyday tat it'll be her... Its especially harder to concentrate on all the stuff whenever i think of her... I juz miss her to the extend tat i can't do anything at all...

When i'm at work, its juz seems tat i juz can't concentrate partly cause its quite low as not much project going on... When at home, gotta do another job... So almost whole day working.... When studying, I somehow find it the hardest... Maybe last time i juz have her with mi when i'm studying so its difficult for mi to adapt to it without her... I'm trying hard though.... I wonder if i really excel in all, will she really turn ard and look at mi once more?? Do i hav the chance again? EVerynight i go to sleep with her in my mind... I had dreamt of her and mi alot alot of times... Be it something good or something bad... It juz came into my dream everynight...

Tats the only way to see her again... But only in the dream....

fake a smile@4:21 PM

走出束缚，寻找寂静的空旷很容易。只是太多人已不自觉地习惯被束缚。

0 Comments:

A hot and sweaty SUNDAY...

<3

Few days nv update my blog le.... These few days was quite disturbing for mi... I'm back into my depression yet again... For the same old reason haunting mi again and again... Juz went to my boss's mother funeral.... Got alot of tots after attending... I juz find tat life's full of unexoecting events.. Juz like her, who's so normally and yet suddenly passed away within few days after having a stroke... Her husband was crying so bitterly during the funeral... I wonder somehow its really heartaching for our loves one to leave before us... how i wish maybe when i'm leaving this world, i wan my love one to be right by my side... Think tats the most blessing thing to actually be being together as we leave the world....

I still send her smses for the past few days... I HATE her... HAte her deep and forever... But not really the hate... Its a different kind of HATe... HAte her for i'm not being able to keep her by my side.. HATE for not being able to make her stay... Thinking of her and her being in aother person's arm is reallly killing mi... Somehow i juzz think if i'm more successful right now, owning a hse, car, money and stable job, will she come back?? i really dunno... i juz wish her to be happy forever... But i know tat my happiness lies in her... If she's by my side, i think i would really become the most happy person in the wholle world... Maybe thats wat we called love... Making my life complete with her being part of mi.... Without her, it seems like everything in this world juz doesn't seems right for mi...

When will my tears stop rolling?? When will my smile from the heartshows again? When will the time when i feel complete come? Days, weeks, months, yrs and decades... I could juz stop everything, but not time.... Not the love i had for her... Not even for a single moment.....

Tml i'll start another chapter of my life... This chapter without her physically with mi.. But mentally, she'll always be by my side forever... For as long as i can remember... And its gonna be forever.....

fake a smile@2:04 PM

走出束缚，寻找寂静的空旷很容易。只是太多人已不自觉地习惯被束缚。

0 Comments:

Dunno wat to post....

<3

Been thinking and thinking of wat to post.... These few weeks i really reluctant to post... Hav alot of things which i wanna voice out.. But dunno the meaning and point of it.... Told myself to quit smoking, promised to quit and not touch a stick of cig at all... But seems like my determination is breaking up... It nv last long enuff...

THings had finally get smoother and better for mi... All except for relationship... Stll i can't stop myself loving... Maybe it really gonna be there forever... I really dunno... Juz know tat as days go, the feeling juz grow stronger rather than lesser... Missing her alot though.... Maybe thats gonna be the life i'm gonna hav for the rest of the life...

Tired.....

fake a smile@1:01 AM

走出束缚，寻找寂静的空旷很容易。只是太多人已不自觉地习惯被束缚。

1 Comments:

Who knows where to download XRumer 5.0 Palladium?
Help, please. All recommend this program to effectively advertise on the Internet, this is the best program!

By Anonymous, at November 18, 2009 at 4:03 AM

"Woman i loved most"

<3

Well... Got insomnia yesterday again.... Thinking of dunno how she is and wat life she's living now... Happy with that person? Even though we all know its not the right thing, but still thats wat she chose... Which make mi can't sleep and make my eyes tearing again for sometime...

Was looking thru my phone.. I can't really rem since when i start naming her as "The woman i loved most" in my contact... Since we broke up? But dun really rem when... I recalled tat during the time when we were together, I name her as "Dear" in my phone and she too name mi tat... But there's once i change the phone as previous one was faulty and since then i nv stored her number in my phone... Simply due to i can juz memorise her number in my brain.. Her mobile and hse number was juz like my own... I wun even make a mistake remembering the number... It took her quite long to actually rem mine... But she put the effort as she dun used to rem anyone mobile in the heart... She did it cause i once asked her and she can't say out my number so she went to memorise... I remember clearly tat there's one quarrel betweeen us and since then, she change the name of my contact in her phone... She change it to "Kevix".. Not "Darling" or "Dear" anymore... I found out and ask her to change back but she refuse as i din even stored her number in my phone(well, i din stored as it was as army phone and i'm not gonna use it for long...)

I dun really know why i name her as that now... Its indeed true tat she's the most loved woman in my life... But since i made the choice to let her go and purposely make her hate mi more, den i shldn't be still doing all these right now... I've got something even more important for mi to concentrate on... I shld put all my concentration on it.. But on the other hand, she's still rooted deep into my heart.. Making it impossible to pull her out of it....

fake a smile@2:42 PM

走出束缚，寻找寂静的空旷很容易。只是太多人已不自觉地习惯被束缚。

0 Comments:

Right and wrong...

<3

Alot of things in life we got to make some important decision.. Sometimes, we're forced to make all these decision against our own will.. I slowly understand tat everyone will expirence the same problems... Making a decision tat's against their own wish.. Doing all these hoping to either minimized hurting, or moving on down the road...

Yesterday, I made the same kind of decision... I realised tat sometimes doing the right thing may not be as simple as it is... DOing the wrong thing is always easier and faster... Tats why we kept on carry out the same mistake done and without changing even though we may already know tat the way we doing was wrong... Ppl might juz ask... "Wats so difficult in doing things the right way?"

Well, Its really hard.. Let mi give some example:

1) If one day, your wife and your child is drowning, who shld we save first? Which is the right choice?

Its hard to choose which is the right way right? this question might not be the best example.. REad the next one..

2) If you see a very poor kid whose without an arm begging for food on the road side for his sick granny and a very rich man walk pass who's so stingy and wun even spare a penny for this poor little kid. You then witnessed the troubled kid with no choice snatch away a $10 note from this man ran after him. Both of them running towards u... Do u help this little kid run away? Or would u catch hold of this kid and hand him to the rich man who rather spend $10 on maybe juz a packet of tissue rather than sparing it to this poor little kid?

For frist ques, If u save ur wife, u gave up ur child who has nv seen enuff of this world. If u save the kid, u gave up the woman u love most and not being able to be with her together forever which u vow during the wedding. Tough decision right?

For second ques, If u let this kid off, he may juz be stealing right now, but he may become a murderer in future without proper education. If u help the man, given his character, u know tat he could juz beat this kid till he die and yet be scott off by paying a large amount of money.

So tell mi, Which is the right way?

There's still lots of example which we encounter and give us trouble choosing which is the right way.... One thing i definately know is tat when u're forced to choose the right or wrong way, no matter if u chose the right or wrong wat, in the end, u'll regret after either way u choose... Starting to imagine tat if u chose the other way will things turn out differently...

So choosing the RIGHT or the WRONG way doesn't really matter... Cause we'll regret it after choosing.. The only thing to consider is tat when chose the path of way, are we able to substain the regret that comes up right after we chosen the path..

I made this kind of a decision yesterday.. I send this Sms to someone "Really thanks for being the person who i love most, being the person who hurts mi most and also being the person whom i'm gonna HATE forever."

CRUDE, CRUEL, IDIOT, BASTARD, PETTY, REVENGEFUL, LOSER, BEAST, ETC... Call mi wat ever u all like.. I dun mind and dun give a damn... Those ard mi know tat no matter how many times i said i give up and how many times i say i HATE her, i wun be able to give her up and i wun be able to HATE her EVEN A LITTLE BIT... If i were to choose, i rather she HATE mi to the core right now, so no matter wa ti do in future, she wun be at all hurt by mi again and again... I know she'll be very very hurt when she see the msg... Maybe it might cause her to think she wasted 3 yrs plus with mi.. But rem this dear, When i sent this msg out, my heart aches much much more than u do now...

This decision will be the most regret decision i made in this life... But i know the outcome of it will only make her recover faster.

2 lines carry on being drawn but without crossing the path of each other anymore.....

fake a smile@9:03 AM

走出束缚，寻找寂静的空旷很容易。只是太多人已不自觉地习惯被束缚。

0 Comments:

To love, to hate... Give mi a sign...

<3

For the whole week i nv write any post at all... Not because i got nth to write.. Not because i am too busy to write.. Its because i purposely run away from updating... Alot of things happened this whole week... So many things tat i wish i can write out in the blog everyday to say out wat ever is kept in my heart.. But i can't cause i dunno who's reading.. The person whom i wished very much to read wun bother reading... But some ppl whom i dun wish them to read will read in fact... Its not tat i dun welcome them... But sometimes i would rather hav some privacy tat i dun wish these ppl to know...

Been crying and thinking... Loving someone so much is really torturing... But when we love someone, no matter how torturing it may be, we still love and sometimes even more... Relationship between 2 person is unpredictable.. One who loves u till the end of time right now, might juz change to someone who take u as though u are transparent to them... Being treated transparent is heart breaking.. But this is not the worse... One whom love u and u love him/her may seems to be a very strong relationship, but all of a sudden, he/she hates u and dislike u to an extend which u din expect at all... Being hated and dislike by someone whom u love alot is heart break and a saddist... And this is not yet the worse part... One who u loved leaves u and u believe tat as long as u hold on to it, there will be miracles... But time to time, u are proved tat all this so called miracles are juz wishful thinking of yours which will nv come true... And finally, u saw something u dun wish to see at all and wun believe ur own eyes seeing it... It appear juz in front of u like tat... And here comes the worse part of everything... Even though all these shown and happened in front of u, but in ur heart, u still can't stop loving this person... Not even by a little bit... Where did all the dignity go?

There's a saying in chinese.. Opposite of love is hate. When u love a person, it's either u continue loving or this love juz become hate. Nothing else but hate.... Tried my best to change this love to hate... I din succeed the previous time.. I can try again... Maybe it might juz work this time round.. Its really difficult to hate someone too... Especially someone whom u love alot alot... All these are juz destiny... I really dunno wat to do... Is hate the only way out? Pls give mi a sign!

fake a smile@11:12 AM

走出束缚，寻找寂静的空旷很容易。只是太多人已不自觉地习惯被束缚。

0 Comments:

Name :
Kevix Lee Jinman

Age :
09/02/1985

Nth is important at all...
Love gone so nth to say about it...
Shes the one for me that i search thru million...
Now, without her in my life, I nid to go thru another million to forget her....
The two lines above are rubbish...
I'm on my own and i'm hold on to my own life.... :D

My own life
My own house
My own car
My own kids
My own..... :D

Taj Mahal
Xuan wan
Jonathan
Low Kay Hwa
Trish Xiu Xian Fox
Jasley
Huiling
Poh Seng

Create a playlist at MixPod.com

Nov Updates....

Updates
Interesting!
Quite some time nv update blog le.... Been updatin...
Something to share....
Its all LIE!!!!
My life...
I'm a fucker and a nuisance....
Nv let you go.....
rain, juz cover my tears....

Credits*

Do not remove the credits !

Designer : summer kissesx3
Basecodes : sweet.love♥
Tagboard : Cbox